12 April 2017

Dayre has stolen my life away from this space but I am enjoying having that little platform where people cannot find me easily. I am listening to music with my new earphones and it is the BEST. Everything sounds so high quality and they were only £6.50.

For what seems like the first time in my life I have this urge to write - and not thought catalog-esque writing, but proper proper writing (obv not gonna make it with my limited vocab but yes). I want to document my life in little stories and capture every detail of the things I love here. I want to write a whole book about fat pigeons and kinky donuts and the afternoons I spent at the Starbucks on Coney Street, complete with low quality pictures of my green tea latte. If I'm courageous enough maybe I'll talk about this with my very writey friends, and we'll make a book documenting what it's like to be a Singaporean studying overseas - all the good and the bad. We will be uncreative and title it '+65/+44', just like in our Instagram profiles. I am very tempted to take up a creative writing online course, yet I feel I don't need it; I want to use words like 'writey' in my writing without feeling like it's wrong. I'll rope in friends and friends' friends and friends' friends' friends from all over UK, we'll put our primary school writing skills to use and make a book we can show our grandkids!!! I think me being a science major it'll be a little less intimidating for me to approach people for their stories. I already have so many people in mind!!!

More than the typical testimony I want stories of our struggles and all the intimate details - of LDRs and failed LDRs, of racism, of loneliness, of the pets we've left back home. Essays of the days we want nothing more than to just, go, home. I want whole paragraphs describing what it's like to finally step into Changi Airport after 9 months away, and then having to deal with the very sobering fact that life back home goes on even without us.

We'll have chapters on the subjects we love - jargon and all. We don't need everyone to understand because we'll be writing for us, and for those that come after us. I want a book that comforts, one that lets our juniors and sons and daughters know we all have those nights, one that makes sure they also know that there are better days, and better yet, the best days.

Now that I've said all of this I hope something actually comes out of it... it'll probably take months, maybe years, but I hope I actually do something. Please let me stay inspired.

23 March 2017

Do I (finally) finish writing the introduction for my report or should I spend this time here??? I promised myself I would do my readings tonight but I am also telling myself the night is still young.

I love being back in this country so much - even on the days I am stuck at home with nothing to do. I love me friends and my family and they love me back and it truly feels like I don't need anything else in this world. Thinking of having to fly back in 2 weeks makes me so sad :(((((( but still I know when I finally leave York for good a part of me will ache to go back.

I haven't felt an ounce (wow wow what unit of measurement is this) of sadness since I came home. The week has passed too!!! quickly!!! I am very behind on my work but I promise promise myself to catch up by this Sunday.

I've been thinking of the person I was and wanted to become when first started uni and it makes me happy knowing I'm not exactly the same person I was back then. I am still me in most senses but I *think* I have grown up a bit; isn't it quite horrifying to look 3 years back and find you haven't grown at all??? (N.A. to body weight) Everything that has happened happened in perfect time. Patience truly is a virtue, I hope I remember this always always always.

but I will leave this for another time (otherwise I won't have anything to say when I graduate HA)

25 February 2017

take me back

16 February 2017

The future's not ours to see

6 February 2017

I just realised I only put my January resolutions down on the 21st which is quite lame but I am proud to say that in the 2 weeks that have passed I have accomplished/mastered all of them except for my Proverbs wall and erm, losing weight (not that I've taken my weight. I have no courage to)!!!

All my rejections are in and for some sadistic reason I feel like I need to print them all out and frame them up. I don't know why but honestly I feel almost no disappointment; maybe I never wanted to do it in the first place. I don't know if it's just some disguised form of bitterness, but suddenly I'm not so sure I want to take this path anymore. I think that's the reason I'm starting to embrace this uncertainty, because I feel like there's a high chance this road I've chosen for myself may not turn out to be a happy one.

Ok I just spent the past 30 minutes fantasising about all the jobs I could do and my head is throbbing now so here are my FEB RESOLUTIONS!!! HAHAHA

1. Embrace the unknown but work hard!!!
2. Go for body attack on Sundays LOL (only 2 Sundays left cos I'll be in London coming Sun this shouldn't be very difficult)
3. Start of my FYP report oh goshhhh
4. ok the toughest one of all is coming

£100 budget until end Feb starts today

21 January 2017


Too long too long it has been too long since I came here or even had the urge to. Just read through my drafts from 2014-2015 and boy was I an emotional wreck HAHAHA. 50% an emotional wreck and 51% an entitled piece of shit (not that I'm not one now..).

2017 has been good, very good!!! I must say my exams didn't go as well as I would've liked them to, and if I hadn't gone to Morocco I could've done much better, but honestly honestly #noragrets because I walked out of each hall with my head held high, and I am most likely happier than if I had spent my whole break studying.

I realise I didn't put my 2017 resolutions down here, but since I am an indecisive child with limited self-discipline I've decided to just make resolutions each month!

January's would be to
1. Stop lamenting my love life (or rather, its absence) and instead live with silent confidence that good things will come in His time *ohmmmmm* I've been telling everyone that by the end of the month I will become asexual but jkjk
2. I've been writing down one chapter of Proverbs every day since last week!!! My resolution is to keep it up so that by mid-Feb I would've completed the whole book
3. Erm, submit my masters apps
4. Lose weight??? < idk man life resolution, will prolly be in every month's list
5. nOT let rejections get to me. You is smart, you is kind, you is important (ok maybe not but I will work on it).
6. Finish that little book on depression I bought before xmas (It's called Reasons to be Alive by Matt Haig). About time I start understandin and stop spewing nonsense about things I don't actually know about. I'm 200 pages in and it takes me a while to digest that the things they talk about are real, but if you are like me and cannot understand depression or anxiety I think it's a good place to start.

Speaking of this the past month has been a very novel concoction of making decisions and realising there are still so many things in this world I don't know well enough to have opinions of; realising that if once we dig deep enough there's nothing we can control, and such thoughts have been carrying me through each time I start worrying about my future (not that it helps all the time - I still have my moments of !!!PANIC!!!LIFEISHOPELESS!!!).


This year is going to be gr8910 I can feel it in ma bonesssss. I want to take up pottery and weave carpets, volunteer and become a respectable person (please?).

I already have so many things to look forward to: London in 3 weeks (am fearful bc I don't have my bro), friends visiting in 4 weeks, and then Easter in a little over 7 weeks!!! Spring term is my absolute FAV because we have no exams immediately after Easter break, and I'm always motivated to study because I can go home after. Also Chinese New Year and RISING TEMPS. The weather has been quite good to us though, considering all the reports saying this would be the coldest winter ever. I always underestimate the temp and end up with sweaty pits by the time I reach school.

but before I swim into the depths of TMIness the past 20 odd days have been filled mostly with happy and contentment, and each week passed much quicker than I expected. I am more uncertain about my future than ever, but I am beginning to learn to embrace the unknown as well, which I think might just be life's greatest skill and secret to happiness.